Husband

This post is going to be about my H.  I love him so very much and he is truly my soul mate (If you believe in soul mates) but I just do not get his nonchalance of the whole ttc thing.  Everyone I've talked to has said that "men just don't understand," but honestly, how do they breeze through this so easily? I'm so jealous that he doesn't constantly think about it, worry about timing, worry that there is something wrong, worry about long cycles, worry about short luteal phases and just worry in general.  I think about ttc constantly throughout my day, and I bet he doesn't even think about it once.  Then I think that maybe he just doesn't tell me his concerns/feelings, but isn't that even worse?

It honestly doesn't even really seem like he's that upset over our miscarriages.  I think he's just being empathetic towards me, which is nice, but I wonder if it even really bothered him.  I mean, I'm sure it did a little, but he even admitted to me once that he just didn't feel like either pregnancy was real. That's why he was so excited about our first ultrasound, because he was finally going to see the baby and know that it was really happening.  Except that it wasn't.  It's like he was right.

I just go through constant states of emotions and this past year has felt like a blur.  A blur of all different extremes of feelings: Happiness, excitement, depression, hopelessness, stress and the list goes on.  H on the other hand, hasn't seem to have gone through any of these at all.  I'm starting to resent it.  I feel like the crazy one all the time.   He is trying so hard to understand and he just doesn't.  It's so frustrating.

Don't get me wrong, H has been great when it comes to other aspects of ttc.  He likes knowing about certain things, and I know he's researched some stuff on his own because he uses certain terms that always surprises me.  He even looks at my chart once in a while and asks me questions.  It's just that nothing ever seems to bother him.  Nothing.  He's just so happy go lucky.  I'm so jealous.  Is it wrong to be jealous of your own spouse? Ugh.

The Short LP

Well only a week ago I was so excited to finally ovulate, now I'm back to square one.  What the hell!!! 7 Days? What is happening?  I go for blood work today and I am ready to get some answers.  I'm pretty sure it's low progesterone, which thankfully, is an easy fix.  I just have a feeling it's going to take some time before they actually come up with that result.  I'm pretty sure I have to have progesterone testing at 7DPO so who knows how long that will be and maybe next time I won't even make it to 7DPO.  I am so frustrated! I had a really rough night last night and H is away for work until Wednesday or Thursday.

On the bright side, I had a fabulous weekend! The houseboat bachelorette party was a complete success! I can't even describe how much fun it was.  We had a great group of girls.  I was also worried about driving the boat originally, but it ended up not being as bad as I thought it would be.  I had a couple of mishaps, but other than that smooth sailing.

Alright, now into month 12, come on baby!!

What to do

So here I am CD 33 and no O in sight.  FF gave me dotted crosshairs and I'm a little unsure as to why as there definitely has not been a temp shift.  I called my doctor this morning and I have an appointment with him on Friday to get a referral to a specialist.  I'm done with all the waiting, I want some answers.  I'm very curious as to what my doctor will say.  I don't know why but I'm kind of dreading this appointment.  I feel like my doctor is going to think I'm impatient or something, even though our one year mark is in two weeks.

I realized over the weekend that I have O'd once since my CP in February. Booo.

Frustrated

CD 27 and no O in sight.  I had fertile CM last week and now nothing.  My OPK's have been very negative as well.  I don't know what is going on.  I'm so frustrated. This whole year has just been soooooo frustrating!!! I kind of just want to yell at something right now.

DH and I talked about getting testing done next month.  He really doesn't want to, but he said if I really want to then he will of course.  I don't really know what the point would be as I'm not ready to start any sort of fertility treatment.  I think I might just get blood work done for low progesterone and leave it at that, because if that's the problem it's an easy fix.  I'm also going to call my doctor to get a referral to a specialist. I'm sure there's long waiting lists to see one so I might as well get my name on the list.

I'm just having the worst day.  I feel just hopeless and defeated.  I know it's probably just an overreaction and I'll probably ovulate soon, it's just that one year mark creeping in that has me sort of depressed.  I just always thought getting pregnant would be easy and fun.  Wow was I ever wrong.

Time to get down!

Fertile week is here! I got this!

But seriously, I have a really good feeling about this cycle. I don't know why, but I do.  

Hen Party!

My sister and my nephew have been in town for the past couple of weeks.  Last night I went to my parents house where she is staying, and had dinner with my mom and my sister.  It was an awesome little hen party! we ended up drinking 2 bottles of wine between the three of us.

Anyway we got to talking about how difficult it is to compromise on different parenting ideals with your DH. I actually worry that my DH and I won't be on the same page when it comes to parenting.  He is very very easy going and has the mind set of "kids will be kids," while I really want to enforce manners and having my kids be very well behaved is really important to me.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the bad guy parent which totally sucks.  We've already had in depth conversations about how we want to raise our kids, and for the most part we are on the same page, it's just some things that I think we will have a problem with.

Let's take our dog for example.  We are very lucky that he has such a good temperament because he is definitely not trained well.  We kind of failed in the training department.  Anyway we were at the park a while ago and I completely lost control of him, and he was absolutely being a jerk to this one dog who was just trying to play fetch with his owner.  My DH blamed the owner of the other dog and called him a "douche" and kept saying things like, "who comes to the dog park but doesn't like when other dogs play with their dog," blah blah blah.  I, on the other hand see a very serious discipline problem with our dog.  I mean, we lost complete control over him.  He's a big dog and he was able to pull the leash out of my hands.  That is a problem.  My DH is in complete denial about it.  He thinks our dog is the best dog in the world, which is cute, but come on, call a spade a spade.  So now we are having the argument on whether or not we need to put our dog into obedience school.  I think I am losing, and it's just that I don't want to argue about it anymore.  This is exactly how I can see things going with our kids.  Me giving in just because I want to avoid the arguments.  It's funny though, because my sister and my mom said they had to go through the exact same things with their H's.  I guess the woman in our family are destined to be the bad guys. Lol.

Wrong Career? maybe

I've come to the conclusion that I don't really like my job.  Don't get me wrong I love my coworkers and I like my boss too, it's just the work in general.  I'm an accountant and I think I may have chosen the wrong career.  I'm just super bored with it.  It might just be that I have to get out of public accounting instead of accounting altogether.

The crappy part is, is that it is now the worst timing because we are ttc.  I would hate to start a new job and then have to leave right away.  So I've decided to just keep this to myself and after I have my first baby I will maybe go back to school or switch jobs.  For now, I'm just going to have to suck up the boringness and work through it.  It could be way worse.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I'll eventually get bored with any career I choose.  I mean even if I was a professional athlete or something really fun, would I get bored of it after doing it for 40+ hours a week for years and years? Who knows.   I ran into an old high school teacher a week ago and he asked me what I'm up to and I told him I'm an accountant now, and he was like, "really? I always thought you'd do something more interactive."  (sigh)  My degree is in sociology maybe I should have been a social worker.  Crap.

Maybe it's just the last couple of weeks.  I do go through phases where sometimes I like it and then days like these where I totally dislike it. Bah I'm so wishy washy.  I wonder if there are people out there who absolutely love their job and can't wait to go to it every morning.  I'm jealous of those people.

Vegas and weird brother in law

Wow! What an awesome trip!  I was in Vegas for the past four days with two of my sisters and their husbands.  It was great, we did all the rides, shopped, drank and gambled.  Needless to say, I am really tired today.  

So my older sister is married to this guy who I'm not too fond of.  I know that she loves him and he does make her really happy so for that reason I tolerate him and I'm always really nice to him.  Over the course of the trip though, my feelings about him have grown stronger.  First of all, he's a really weird eater.  We went to an amazing buffet at our hotel and he ate fries and pizza and that's it.  Then he kept raving about how awesome the buffet was.  Come on buddy, you didn't try anything.  All he ate the entire weekend was fries and pizza I swear.  He will not touch a vegetable.  He says that he's allergic to onions, but I don't even think that's a real thing.  Just admit it, you hate onions, what's the big deal.  It was really annoying picking restaurants that catered to his picky eating.  I really wanted to try different things but we always had to make sure that BIL got his fries and pizza.  Ugh.

Second of all, he gets really touchy feely when he's drinking.  It drives me insane.  I was playing poker and he and my sister were watching, and he kept rubbing my shoulders and rubbing my back if I lost.  No one except for my DH should be allowed to touch me.  He'll put his arm around me sometimes too when we were walking down the street.  It's really weird because I don't know if he's just a really creepy guy or if he actually thinks he's just being friendly.  The thing about both of them is they're really socially awkward. I mean he's doing it right in front of my sister and she doesn't seem to care.   Anyway it was really making me and my hubby uncomfortable, but we both didn't want to make it awkward by saying something.  If we ever go on a trip with them again and he is like that I will say something.  I'm just one of those people that does not really like to be touched by anyone besides my husband.  I don't even really like hugging people in appropriate situations, maybe I'm just weird.

Third of all, he has really bad personal hygiene.  His fingernails are extremely long and he always kind of smells bad.  His hair is always greasy and he just looks like he doesn't clean himself properly in general.  It just makes the fact that he gets super touchy feely that much worse.

Oh How I love my weekends!

What a great weekend I had! On a whim we decided to go camping with a few friends.  It was totally unplanned and awesomely spontaneous!

As for ttc, I am now 7DPO.  I have been having really bad cramps today, so bad that I kind of want to take an advil. I don't think this is a good sign, I mean the other two times I've gotten a BFP I had cramps but not nearly as bad as this.  I think my period is just around the corner.  Ah well, I'll feel better about having a few drinks in Vegas.  4 more days! Yay!

I Cannot Concentrate!

I don't know if it's the weather, the fact that I'm going to Vegas next week or that I got crosshairs on my chart today, but I cannot concentrate at work.  Actually, this whole year has been like that, I feel like I'm slacking big time.  I gotta pick it up.

Yay for two week wait! Finally!

I shouldn't let someone wreck my day...

Okay so H and I took our dog to the beach yesterday and H was playing with our dog down by the water and I was sitting on my towel up higher on the beach.  This really really drunk (or on something) lady comes up to me and asks if she can borrow some sun screen.  I said sure, thinking she'd take some and leave, but no, she proceeds to lift up her shirt and rub it in right in front of me.  I'm just sitting there trying to look away, then she goes on to ask me what I'm doing here.  I'm like I'm here with my H and my dog just enjoying the weather.  Then she says "oh your H and your dog....are you guys gonna have kids?"  I just said maybe we'll see and left it at that.  Then she goes on to tell me about all 4 of her pregnancies, gives me advice on how to avoid stretch marks, what to eat etc .etc.   I"m just looking at her like WTF? GO AWAY!  Finally she leaves and I just can't believe how upset I let myself get from that.  It should've been funny, I mean how many crazy ladies walk up to you and do that? And when I told H about it he laughed.  I just could not find it funny though, all it did was remind me of my losses and the fact that I don't have to worry about any of the things she was talking about.  If my first pregnancy had been viable, I'd be 7 months pregnant right now.  Booo.  I'm just so mad that I let that drunk woman ruin my day.

Beautiful Saturday!

Positive OPK today yay! I caved and picked up some clear blue ovulation tests.  Well that settles it.  I will definitely be in the 2WW when we go to Vegas.  I am not testing until 18DPO though, I really do not want to go through another CP.

The weather here is absolutely stunning! I'm going for a jog, then tennis and then take our dog to the park.   Should be a great day! I was supposed to go to my monthly girls night tonight but I had to decline as there are about 4 girls in our group that are pregnant and I just didn't feel like seeing them tonight.  I'm extremely happy for them of course, I just get a little poor me syndrome secretly when I'm around them and especially after a few glasses of wine.   So I'm not really sure what I will do tonight.  DH is hanging out with his buddies so I might just have a really mellow me night.  Although every time I plan to do that, something always comes up.

It's funny, I have my group of girls that I've known since college and not very many of them are married and none of them have kids.  Then I have my other group of girlfriends of whom I met through DH, and who are all married and either pregnant or have kids already.  It's funny to go back and forth between both worlds.  If I want to go out on the town, I can.  If I want to go to a dinner party, I can.   It's pretty awesome.  So tonight if I don't just hang out by myself, I will probably call my single girlfriends.  They're always down for a good time!

I am actually really excited because one of my friends that I have known since college is getting married this summer, and our whole group is in her wedding party.  I think there's like 7 of us (ya big wedding party) and my sister is the maid of honour, but since she is writing the bar and is super busy articling at a really big law firm, I get to do all the planning stuff!  I honestly love weddings, and I love dong all the planning.  I had a blast planning my own wedding.  Anyway, I've planned the stagette and it is on a houseboat on July long weekend on Shuswap lake (You probably don't know where that is unless you're from BC, Canada, but it is houseboat central).  There is 22 girls on this boat, it is going to be absolutely wild! Super excited!

Alright, that's all I got for today.

First Post

Okay I've been debating starting a blog and I've finally decided to do it! What the hell it can't hurt.

Okay so a little bit about me, I'm 29, married for a year and a bit, and I am trying for our first child. My DH works in real estate development and I am an accountant.  This blog is to help me during this TTC process as it has been quite the roller coaster.  I definitely never thought that I would have this much trouble.  I'll give you the overview of my journey thus far.

So we started trying in July, and I had a 60 something day cycle that drove me nuts so I decided to start temping.  The first cycle I started temping I got pregnant! Woohoo! we were very excited.  Unfortunately I suffered a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  Heartbreaking.

So I started temping and charting again about 2 weeks afterwords. Low and behold the second cycle after my loss we got pregnant again! This time we were excited but now also very apprehensive.  Anyway about a week and a half later I got what was like a heavy period and we new we had suffered a chemical pregnancy.  Heartbreak again.  I went on to have the worst cycle ever.  I had positive tests for 6 weeks! I had mid cycle bleeding and no ovulation.  ugh.

Now I am finally on to a normal cycle.  Yes after 9 months of trying I really don't have that many normal full charts that don't include a pregnancy or a weird cycle after miscarriage.  I don't even really know for sure what my regular LP is or when I usually ovulate.   I seem to have no trouble getting pregnant, I just have trouble staying pregnant.  I haven't really decided which is worse.

So now I am on cycle 7 month 9 and I am currently just waiting to O.  I like the 2ww much better than waiting to O.  Mainly because I am unsure of when my regular O time is.  I've O'd as early as CD9 and as late as CD32.  Anyway this cycle I ran out of OPK's and just decided to not use them.  What a mistake that was.  I'm really hoping it happens in the next couple of days, otherwise we are going to be having a lot of sex this month.  Not that that is necessarily a bad thing, it's just i'd rather have sex when I want to and not when I think I might be ovulating.

I have recently started telling close friends and family that we are TTC and about my miscarriages.  Mainly because the whole thing is a very lonely experience.  I also feel bad that my H has to be the only one to listen to me vent or cry or whatever.  He deserves a break.  I have a very close family so it was a relief to let them in and get it off my chest.  My mom totally new something was up as I have not been myself these days.

On a happy note I am going to Vegas for May long weekend! My sisters and their hubbies will be joining us! I am sooo excited! It was a birthday present from my H, he is the awesomest guy! I am really really trying to get back into shape for bikini season.  It's really hard, as I have been slacking on the running and eating this winter/spring.

Sorry if this seems like a ramble and kind of a mess, I'm new to this and I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts out in an organized way.