Husband

This post is going to be about my H.  I love him so very much and he is truly my soul mate (If you believe in soul mates) but I just do not get his nonchalance of the whole ttc thing.  Everyone I've talked to has said that "men just don't understand," but honestly, how do they breeze through this so easily? I'm so jealous that he doesn't constantly think about it, worry about timing, worry that there is something wrong, worry about long cycles, worry about short luteal phases and just worry in general.  I think about ttc constantly throughout my day, and I bet he doesn't even think about it once.  Then I think that maybe he just doesn't tell me his concerns/feelings, but isn't that even worse?

It honestly doesn't even really seem like he's that upset over our miscarriages.  I think he's just being empathetic towards me, which is nice, but I wonder if it even really bothered him.  I mean, I'm sure it did a little, but he even admitted to me once that he just didn't feel like either pregnancy was real. That's why he was so excited about our first ultrasound, because he was finally going to see the baby and know that it was really happening.  Except that it wasn't.  It's like he was right.

I just go through constant states of emotions and this past year has felt like a blur.  A blur of all different extremes of feelings: Happiness, excitement, depression, hopelessness, stress and the list goes on.  H on the other hand, hasn't seem to have gone through any of these at all.  I'm starting to resent it.  I feel like the crazy one all the time.   He is trying so hard to understand and he just doesn't.  It's so frustrating.

Don't get me wrong, H has been great when it comes to other aspects of ttc.  He likes knowing about certain things, and I know he's researched some stuff on his own because he uses certain terms that always surprises me.  He even looks at my chart once in a while and asks me questions.  It's just that nothing ever seems to bother him.  Nothing.  He's just so happy go lucky.  I'm so jealous.  Is it wrong to be jealous of your own spouse? Ugh.

The Short LP

Well only a week ago I was so excited to finally ovulate, now I'm back to square one.  What the hell!!! 7 Days? What is happening?  I go for blood work today and I am ready to get some answers.  I'm pretty sure it's low progesterone, which thankfully, is an easy fix.  I just have a feeling it's going to take some time before they actually come up with that result.  I'm pretty sure I have to have progesterone testing at 7DPO so who knows how long that will be and maybe next time I won't even make it to 7DPO.  I am so frustrated! I had a really rough night last night and H is away for work until Wednesday or Thursday.

On the bright side, I had a fabulous weekend! The houseboat bachelorette party was a complete success! I can't even describe how much fun it was.  We had a great group of girls.  I was also worried about driving the boat originally, but it ended up not being as bad as I thought it would be.  I had a couple of mishaps, but other than that smooth sailing.

Alright, now into month 12, come on baby!!

What to do

So here I am CD 33 and no O in sight.  FF gave me dotted crosshairs and I'm a little unsure as to why as there definitely has not been a temp shift.  I called my doctor this morning and I have an appointment with him on Friday to get a referral to a specialist.  I'm done with all the waiting, I want some answers.  I'm very curious as to what my doctor will say.  I don't know why but I'm kind of dreading this appointment.  I feel like my doctor is going to think I'm impatient or something, even though our one year mark is in two weeks.

I realized over the weekend that I have O'd once since my CP in February. Booo.

Frustrated

CD 27 and no O in sight.  I had fertile CM last week and now nothing.  My OPK's have been very negative as well.  I don't know what is going on.  I'm so frustrated. This whole year has just been soooooo frustrating!!! I kind of just want to yell at something right now.

DH and I talked about getting testing done next month.  He really doesn't want to, but he said if I really want to then he will of course.  I don't really know what the point would be as I'm not ready to start any sort of fertility treatment.  I think I might just get blood work done for low progesterone and leave it at that, because if that's the problem it's an easy fix.  I'm also going to call my doctor to get a referral to a specialist. I'm sure there's long waiting lists to see one so I might as well get my name on the list.

I'm just having the worst day.  I feel just hopeless and defeated.  I know it's probably just an overreaction and I'll probably ovulate soon, it's just that one year mark creeping in that has me sort of depressed.  I just always thought getting pregnant would be easy and fun.  Wow was I ever wrong.

Time to get down!

Fertile week is here! I got this!

But seriously, I have a really good feeling about this cycle. I don't know why, but I do.  

Hen Party!

My sister and my nephew have been in town for the past couple of weeks.  Last night I went to my parents house where she is staying, and had dinner with my mom and my sister.  It was an awesome little hen party! we ended up drinking 2 bottles of wine between the three of us.

Anyway we got to talking about how difficult it is to compromise on different parenting ideals with your DH. I actually worry that my DH and I won't be on the same page when it comes to parenting.  He is very very easy going and has the mind set of "kids will be kids," while I really want to enforce manners and having my kids be very well behaved is really important to me.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the bad guy parent which totally sucks.  We've already had in depth conversations about how we want to raise our kids, and for the most part we are on the same page, it's just some things that I think we will have a problem with.

Let's take our dog for example.  We are very lucky that he has such a good temperament because he is definitely not trained well.  We kind of failed in the training department.  Anyway we were at the park a while ago and I completely lost control of him, and he was absolutely being a jerk to this one dog who was just trying to play fetch with his owner.  My DH blamed the owner of the other dog and called him a "douche" and kept saying things like, "who comes to the dog park but doesn't like when other dogs play with their dog," blah blah blah.  I, on the other hand see a very serious discipline problem with our dog.  I mean, we lost complete control over him.  He's a big dog and he was able to pull the leash out of my hands.  That is a problem.  My DH is in complete denial about it.  He thinks our dog is the best dog in the world, which is cute, but come on, call a spade a spade.  So now we are having the argument on whether or not we need to put our dog into obedience school.  I think I am losing, and it's just that I don't want to argue about it anymore.  This is exactly how I can see things going with our kids.  Me giving in just because I want to avoid the arguments.  It's funny though, because my sister and my mom said they had to go through the exact same things with their H's.  I guess the woman in our family are destined to be the bad guys. Lol.

Wrong Career? maybe

I've come to the conclusion that I don't really like my job.  Don't get me wrong I love my coworkers and I like my boss too, it's just the work in general.  I'm an accountant and I think I may have chosen the wrong career.  I'm just super bored with it.  It might just be that I have to get out of public accounting instead of accounting altogether.

The crappy part is, is that it is now the worst timing because we are ttc.  I would hate to start a new job and then have to leave right away.  So I've decided to just keep this to myself and after I have my first baby I will maybe go back to school or switch jobs.  For now, I'm just going to have to suck up the boringness and work through it.  It could be way worse.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I'll eventually get bored with any career I choose.  I mean even if I was a professional athlete or something really fun, would I get bored of it after doing it for 40+ hours a week for years and years? Who knows.   I ran into an old high school teacher a week ago and he asked me what I'm up to and I told him I'm an accountant now, and he was like, "really? I always thought you'd do something more interactive."  (sigh)  My degree is in sociology maybe I should have been a social worker.  Crap.

Maybe it's just the last couple of weeks.  I do go through phases where sometimes I like it and then days like these where I totally dislike it. Bah I'm so wishy washy.  I wonder if there are people out there who absolutely love their job and can't wait to go to it every morning.  I'm jealous of those people.