Husband

This post is going to be about my H.  I love him so very much and he is truly my soul mate (If you believe in soul mates) but I just do not get his nonchalance of the whole ttc thing.  Everyone I've talked to has said that "men just don't understand," but honestly, how do they breeze through this so easily? I'm so jealous that he doesn't constantly think about it, worry about timing, worry that there is something wrong, worry about long cycles, worry about short luteal phases and just worry in general.  I think about ttc constantly throughout my day, and I bet he doesn't even think about it once.  Then I think that maybe he just doesn't tell me his concerns/feelings, but isn't that even worse?

It honestly doesn't even really seem like he's that upset over our miscarriages.  I think he's just being empathetic towards me, which is nice, but I wonder if it even really bothered him.  I mean, I'm sure it did a little, but he even admitted to me once that he just didn't feel like either pregnancy was real. That's why he was so excited about our first ultrasound, because he was finally going to see the baby and know that it was really happening.  Except that it wasn't.  It's like he was right.

I just go through constant states of emotions and this past year has felt like a blur.  A blur of all different extremes of feelings: Happiness, excitement, depression, hopelessness, stress and the list goes on.  H on the other hand, hasn't seem to have gone through any of these at all.  I'm starting to resent it.  I feel like the crazy one all the time.   He is trying so hard to understand and he just doesn't.  It's so frustrating.

Don't get me wrong, H has been great when it comes to other aspects of ttc.  He likes knowing about certain things, and I know he's researched some stuff on his own because he uses certain terms that always surprises me.  He even looks at my chart once in a while and asks me questions.  It's just that nothing ever seems to bother him.  Nothing.  He's just so happy go lucky.  I'm so jealous.  Is it wrong to be jealous of your own spouse? Ugh.